I had a scare a few years ago that my son Asher might need heart surgery. He had a murmur and everything I read about it freaked me out. People who had been telling me that they had murmurs all of their lives, some of them already in their 60s or 70s, couldn’t comfort me. The worst case scenarios just kept popping into my head.

When we went in for the ultrasound, he was such a little three-year-old trooper at St. Joe’s surrounded by all these machines. They played a movie for him (Godzilla vs. MechaGodzilla) and I cracked jokes about the movie while the woman examined him. She laughed at my jokes more than he did.

She told us that she couldn’t discuss her findings with us, but she was kind enough to make sure we could hear her discuss it with his pediatrician. The murmur was so insignificant she could barely detect it. By the next check-up the murmur was gone.

I was a basket case for just that week trying not to imagine life without him. We didn’t have Lilith yet. The house would have been so quiet.

I really admire your strength Jennifer, and you are an incredible Mom.

Happy New Year! Keep on keepin’ on…

But I just checked him again and he’s back down to 63.

Did I mention the raccoon that showed up on the porch in between, causing Sandy to freak out, jarring us out of what little sleep we might have had?

Now I’m passing time at the computer again, waiting for the eternal 15 minutes to pass. I’d read, but that would involve turning the lights brighter than I’m up for. I really should get a reading lamp one of these days.

Brrr. It’s so cold. I think of people with no choice but to sleep outside – I’m sure many of them are huddled in the dunes right now – and I’m sorry for it. Which is weak to write, but thoughts and words are failing me so that all I can say is, Wow, that would suck.

Nick is so lucky to have you.